Parenting Struggles / Struggles with Parents

Many days, I worry that I am not doing a good job with the kids that God has loaned to me. In my heart, I know I am doing ok, but I worry that I am following some of the patterns that I resent from my childhood. I don't just want to do an ok job, I want to do an exceptional job. I want to have the kind of relationship with my children that I dreamed of with my mom. I know this isn't a realistic expectation and that ultimately it is out of my hands, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. From worrying about the future. And in worrying about the future and looking at mistakes made in the past, I seem to be pushing myself farther into the throes of depression.

You see, my relationship with my mom, well it is.. challenging. I love her and I have NO doubt that she loves me. God just made us so different. I hear so many women speak of the wonderful relationships they have with their mothers and I want that. Past hurts and present choices really get in the way. I know I need to extend grace to my mom. And to that, I have made some improvement. A wise man once told me that I may never have the relationship with either of my parents that I desire. I can choose where to go from here. I can choose to focus on their mistakes and shortcomings OR I can choose to embrace the parts of them that I love, that ARE good. Some days it takes a lot of searching to find the good things, but here is a short list to start with.

Generous
Social
Christ loving
Gave me a Christian foundation
Provided a stable home during my upbringing

In regards to MY parenting, I need to release it to God. To trust that I am where HE wants me to be. In regards to my relationships with my parents, I am going to try to focus on that little list up there. I think I will pray over that list and ask God to soften my heart.

While it is ok and good to want to be more and to want better, it is not ok when I allow it to consume me and control my present state. This coming week, I am going to focus on what I can give to my children and do the best I can each day. Hopefully next week when I return; I will have made improvement in my personal view of how I am doing.